Friday, April 25, 2014

Peace


Years and years ago, I was given a load to carry. It wasn’t mine, but I kept it within, because I was told that I had to carry it: or there would be consequences beyond what my childlike mind could best comprehend.
And carried it, I did.

In the years that followed, I kept it up: carrying this load for a long time, keeping it within as if I owned it. Something in the way I was gave away the fact that I was a capable carrier: the fact that I could keep a load that anyone would thrust on me. I was the donkey, the uncomplaining bearer of loads. The beast of burden. And because I looked at myself that way, I was just treated that way, by everyone I knew.

And this was my fault, entirely.

But what happens if you keep carrying this load, and more and more of it keeps piling over and over you? You start drowning, crumbling under the weight of the load, even. Everything seems heavy, a cloud descends upon you, your mind is crowded with thoughts jostling for space. In the years that follow, you wind up struggling with much more than you can deal with. Your mind hasn’t an inch of space within, you have so much to think of: and you add to it by adding dimensions to those thoughts with more thoughts that make no sense. You over think everything, you assume the falsest of things to be true, and you live inside your own cage until you fall apart from within.

I was that girl. Each moment from now, each day from today, I want to be someone else. I want to be the girl who realised that all of these loads were thrust on me to carry, but it wasn’t mine to. I could have let it go and set it down and walked on, but I didn’t. But that I didn’t does not mean I am to blame – for back when the load was set, I didn’t know any better then, I didn’t have this time I have now to deliberate, I didn’t have this knowledge and this experience I have now.

And so I will try my best to set this load aside. I have no control over anything in life but myself, my thoughts and my actions. I am responsible for what I do, and not for what another assumes of my actions. I am responsible for my choices and the consequences they bring with them. I am responsible for my decisions, I am responsible for myself. I am the only constant that is there in my life, and I will learn to trust myself better to be in a safe place, in a happy place, and in the right place.

“I am who I am, because of who we are together”, says Ubuntu. But my connections of “who we are together” with anyone in the world takes two hands to clap. Where only one hand strikes without the other, I will learn to step back. Where I am only a giver and never allowed to be a taker, I will step back and take care of myself, and my needs first, and then be a giver.

I will make peace with myself. 


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